Friday, December 19th, 2008, 1:59 pm

* A pilot was trying to land his World War II-era plane after the engine stalled just after takeoff near London, when  it hit a cow.

Sources close to the pilot say, "The animal refused to moove. It was an udder disaster."

Sources close to the cow say, "It was a mooving experience. But it didn't spoil my mooood."
* A Golden Granny won a million bucks! The 92-year-old great-grandmother from Queens discarded the $1 million scratch-off lottery ticket. But lucky for her the clerk, Chris Connelly, 24 rechecked the ticket and told her she in fact won.

Sources close to the honest engine clerk say, "I should have lied to her. Poor old thing dropped dead of a heart attck as soon as I told her."

Sources close to the old lady say, "I almost died but thanks to Life Alert, as soon as I'd fallen and couldn't get up, I pressed that button. It's a miracle. A million dollar medical miracle!"  * As if Burger King hasn't creeped us out enough with their king mascot, they now have created a cologne. The Flame, which was almost named I am King, before Sean John AKA Diddy, created his cologne, smells of meat and secret sauce. So fellas, when you can't have it your way, just spritz a little of this on and watch the ladies go crazy for your Whopper.  * Aretha Franklin is going to perform at President-elect Barack Obama's Inauguration January 20th. Sources close to the singer say, "Her play list is expected to go like this, Respect will be a dedication for any and all repressed black folk. Who's Zoomin' Who? is a dedication to former president Bill Clinton. She will belt out Freeway of Love to former U.S. Senator Larry Craig and his Hershey Highway loving self. And Chain Of Fools is closing the show, saying good riddance to the outgoing administration."
* David Copperfield's assistant sustained a severe injury during a performance in Las Vegas. The magic act in which Copperfield attempts to walk through rotating blades of a 12-foot industrial fan, came to a screeching halt when the assistant was sucked into the fan.

Sources close to the assistant say, "Grand illusion my ass, David."
* A French court awarded first lady Carla Bruni-Sarkozy $57,500 in damages. The suit stems from a company that sold purses with a naked picture of Bruni-Sarkozy, emblazoned  on them.

Sources close to the store say, "I can't believe she took this to court. We even offered to Bedazzle her beaver."

Sources close to Paris Hilton say, "I wish someone would want a pussy purse of me."
* And finally, Lance Corporal Dan Thompson, who's serving in Iraq, was able to witness the birth of his son via webcam.

Sources close to the sarcastic whore within say, "Big friggin' deal! My old man got to witness the conception of my kid by watching that porno I made in college."

Tags: birth, cow, webcam, nude, copperfield

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Saturday, November 15th, 2008, 7:27 pm

    We moved into our house 17 yrs ago, and we had a few strange incidents right off the bat.  First, let me tell you that between the two sections of our subdivision,  over 2000 soldiers have been buried.  One evening, we heard a cow bell in our livingroom while watching tv!   My daughters used to talk about hearing footsteps.  If you were in the family room downstairs, you would hear them on the first floor.  If you were on the first floor, you could hear them in the attic.  But it wasn't an everday occurance, and I never heard them at the same time my daughter's did.  But one afternoon while I had my babysitting toddlers down for a nap, I went in my room to play Super Nintendo, and it was then that I heard the footsteps over top of me in the attic.   After that, I believed them.  One night, my girls had a friend over, and decided it would be fun to play Hide and Seek in the house with the lights out.  Their friend felt a hand on her shoulder from where she was hiding behind the couch.   When my oldest was around sixteen, she would wake up in the mornings with scratches on an arm or leg.  We checked her bed and didn't find anything that would cause it.  They did they're own version of a seance, and the letters that they wrote down, when rearranged, spelled Jacob.  We don't have as many experiences here at home anymore, but occasionally something will move in the kitchen, or a door knob will turn.  We've just learned to live with it.

Tags: cow, jacob

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Tuesday, June 24th, 2008, 9:42 am

* BERLIN — American hiker, Jessica Bruinsma took on the Bavarian Alps, and fell 16.4 feet, where she was stranded for three days. The 24-year-old from Colorado, was rescued after using her sports bra as a signal. She attracted the attention of lumberjacks by attaching her sports bra to a cable used to move timber down the mountain.

Sources close to the now horny lumberjacks say, "It wasn't the cable shaking that got our attention. And my timber was sure moving! Everyone knows lumberjacks love flapjacks, and those looked delicious."

Sources close to the sport's bra say, "Finally we can be known for something more than taking two perfectly good breasts and squishing them into one giant uniboob."


* SACRAMENTO — A female driver crashed head-on into a utility pole, causing 15,000 people to lose power. She claims to have been swerving to avoid hitting a stray cat.

Sources close to the imaginary stray cat say, "Take that Mrs. O'Leary's cow! You aren't the only one who can cause chaos and mayhem."


* NEW YORK — New York City street performer known as The Naked Cowboy, filed a $6 million lawsuit against M&Ms candy maker Mars Inc. on grounds of trademark infringement after video billboards depicted a blue M&M dressed in his signature outfit.

Sources close to the guy arrested on the hit TV show cops said, "That's been my signature outfit for 20 years. I just put my wifebeater on because I knew I was fixin' ta be on the TV, and didn't want the whole world to see my hubcap-sized nipples."

Robert Burck has been playing The Naked Cowboy in Times Square for 10 years wearing nothing but a pair of tighty whities, a white cowboy hat and white cowboy boots, while strumming a white guitar.

Sources close to black guitars, sporty colored briefs and various colored shitkickers say, "Clearly this man is a racist cowboy and we should sue him!"*** You can see all blog posts and comment on each post by clicking the link on the bottom right, "View All" thanks for stopping by! ***

Tags: cat, cow, bra, comedy, nakedcowboy

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