Friday, December 19th, 2008, 1:59 pm
* A pilot was trying to land his World War II-era plane after the engine stalled just after takeoff near London, when it hit a cow.
Sources close to the pilot say, "The animal refused to moove. It was an udder disaster."
Sources close to the cow say, "It was a mooving experience. But it didn't spoil my mooood."
* A Golden Granny won a million bucks! The 92-year-old great-grandmother from Queens discarded the $1 million scratch-off lottery ticket. But lucky for her the clerk, Chris Connelly, 24 rechecked the ticket and told her she in fact won.
Sources close to the honest engine clerk say, "I should have lied to her. Poor old thing dropped dead of a heart attck as soon as I told her."
Sources close to the old lady say, "I almost died but thanks to Life Alert, as soon as I'd fallen and couldn't get up, I pressed that button. It's a miracle. A million dollar medical miracle!"
* As if Burger King hasn't creeped us out enough with their king
mascot, they now have created a cologne. The Flame, which was almost
named I am King, before Sean John AKA Diddy, created his cologne,
smells of meat and secret sauce. So fellas, when you can't have it your
way, just spritz a little of this on and watch the ladies go crazy for
your Whopper.
* Aretha Franklin is going to perform at President-elect Barack Obama's Inauguration January 20th.
Sources
close to the singer say, "Her play list is expected to go like this,
Respect will be a dedication for any and all repressed black folk.
Who's Zoomin' Who? is a dedication to former president Bill Clinton.
She will belt out Freeway of Love to former U.S. Senator Larry Craig
and his Hershey Highway loving self. And Chain Of Fools is closing the
show, saying good riddance to the outgoing administration."
* David Copperfield's assistant sustained a severe injury during a performance in Las Vegas. The magic act in which Copperfield attempts to walk through rotating blades of a 12-foot industrial fan, came to a screeching halt when the assistant was sucked into the fan.
Sources close to the assistant say, "Grand illusion my ass, David."
* A French court awarded first lady Carla Bruni-Sarkozy $57,500 in damages. The suit stems from a company that sold purses with a naked picture of Bruni-Sarkozy, emblazoned on them.
Sources close to the store say, "I can't believe she took this to court. We even offered to Bedazzle her beaver."
Sources close to Paris Hilton say, "I wish someone would want a pussy purse of me."
* And finally, Lance Corporal Dan Thompson, who's serving in Iraq, was able to witness the birth of his son via webcam.
Sources close to the sarcastic whore within say, "Big friggin' deal! My old man got to witness the conception of my kid by watching that porno I made in college."
Tags:
webcam, nude, copperfield, cow, purse
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Tuesday, December 16th, 2008, 11:55 am
* CANBERRA — A federal court in Australia has approved the use of Facebook, to notify a couple that they lost their home after defaulting on their loan after more conventional approaches failed.
Sources close to the couple say, "It's bad enough they threw a friggin' goat at us, but to go around Super Poking us with eviction notices is just plain rude!"
* PHARR — A Texas man has been arrested after a 9-year-old girl wrote to Santa Claus asking that a relative stop touching her and her sister.
In a related story, this reporter also wrote to Santa asking him for someone to start touching her.
Sources close to Winky, the elf who received Lois Lane's letter, say, "Rub a lamp, girl!"
* BEAUMONT — Texas police were called to a store by a silent burglar alarm overnight. The would-be robber, turned out to be a 4-year-old boy who was hiding inside, playing with toys. Police said surveillance video showed the boy opened the door to a Family Dollar store around 3 a.m.
Sources close to a wiser, more seasoned, 5-year-old burglar say, "The frickin' dollar store? Are you shittin' me? Who sneaks out of the house in the middle of the night for yoyos that aren't even Duncan's? Clearly this youngster needs to be schooled about real toy stores."
Tags:
kids, facebook, santa, christmas
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Wednesday, September 24th, 2008, 11:39 am
* NEW YORK — Clay Aiken told People Magazine he is gay.
Oh, that is not exactly news, sorry. Did he really think we didn't know?
* WATERBURY — People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) sent a
letter to Ben & Jerry's urging them to replace cow's milk in their
ice cream with human breast milk. PETA officials say a switch to human
breast milk would lessen the suffering of dairy cows and their babies
on factory farms.
Sources close to men everywhere say, "Unless that breast milk is on tap, I don't want anything to do with it."
Sources close to the little pervert who lives inside of my head say, "I
wonder if they'll have to transpose the name of Ben & Jerry's
Chubby Hubby to My Hubby has a Chubby."
People for the Evil
Treatment of Activists (the other white PETA) say, "Then we'd have
women with boobs hanging down like some National Geographic shit.
Victoria's Secret would have to start carrying 36 to 55 Double Long
bras. They'd be like upside down titty hammocks. What about the
suffering of humans, PETA? And seriously, what a treat to have ice
cream made from human milk. I could tell my friends, 'Come to my house
everyone we're going to have Wet Nurse Surprise!' See, that doesn't
even sound good. Screw you PETA!"
* SYDNEY — Nicole
Kidman said swimming in Australian Outback waterfalls may promote
fertility and might have contributed to her unexpected pregnancy. She
claims to be one of seven women who became pregnant after swimming in
the water during production of the film Australia.
Sources close to the guy who jacked-off in those same waters say, "Haha!"
* NEW YORK — David Blaine claimed he would create history and break a
world record by dangling upside down from a wire for 60 hours. After
seeing him take a break, many are calling him a cheater.
Sorry
to steal your thunder there Mr. Magical Upside Down Cake, but when Mork
& Mindy were on TV, I watched upside down from my plastic-covered,
floral print, green velour sofa for hours without a break. Beat that
bitch!
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peta, benjerry, kidman, aiken, blaine
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Friday, August 29th, 2008, 9:17 am
* LOS ANGELES — British sculptor Marc Quinn's latest creation is a $2.8 million, 110-pound solid gold statue of supermodel Kate Moss.
Sources close to Moss say, "That statue is nothing like the real Kate. I mean seriously, it's like, at least 80 pounds heavier than she is."
* MIAMI — The National Hurricane Center says Tropical Storm Hannah has formed northeast of the northern Leeward Islands in the Atlantic.
Sources close to Hannah's brother, Trace Cyrus say, "Big deal! I feel like Jan Brady! Hannah, Hannah, Hannah! What about Metro Station? What about me? How about I beat the Achy Breaky shit out of you people?!"
* LOS ANGELES — David Duchovny has entered a rehabilitation facility for sex addiction.
Sources close to Agent Scully say, "When he asked me if my name meant, 'Likes getting skull-fucked,' I knew he had Triple X-Files in his head."
* SAO PAULO — A disposable diaper saved the life of an 18-month-old boy. It broke his fall from a third-floor apartment window.
Sources close to the Life Alert lady say, "I want some Depends made out of what that kid had. Then, when I've fallen and can't get up, at least I know my hips will still be intact."
* WASHINGTON — Drunken-driving deaths fell in 32 states in 2007.
Sources close to the drunks say, "Even we are having a hard time paying for gasoline. I'd like to see what statistical data they can come up with for how many of us lost our lives in walking accidents."
* Apple CEO Steve Jobs, is still alive. Bloomberg News accidentally published his obituary prematurely.
Sources close to the editor at Bloomberg say, "It was clearly a miscommunication. Our secretary, who uses a PC...with Vista... got a message from Jobs, which stated, 'I'm dead...' The message was cut off due to a Vista error. The complete message should have read, "I'm dead tired, and will be out of the office until next week. Please direct all of your questions to the great and powerful Woz."
* DAVENPORT — Hundreds of sex offenders are out of work today. The city of Davenport is following the lead of Illinois and New York, now requiring ice cream truck vendors to have background checks.
Sources close to rocket popsicles everywhere say, "You hear that perverts? No more kids slobbering your popsicles! No more sticking us up your poop chute letting kids bet how long it will take to melt us!"
* LONG ISLAND — The True North Community Church was anonymously given a winning $3 million lottery ticket.
Sources close to God say, "That was really nice, but it's no get out of hell free card. You're still going down mister money bags."
Tags:
sex, comedy, hannah, addiction, moss
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Sunday, August 24th, 2008, 10:28 am
* WELLINGTON — A New Zealand court has allowed a parade of topless porn stars on motor bikes to take their mammary madness to Main Street. The Boobs on Bikes Parade is being protested by none other than the ghost of Dr. Seuss.
He said, "And to Think That I Saw It on Mulberry Street, nowadays, I just can't compete. Porn stars with Harleys and Crotch Rockets too, tell me how men watching hold in their goo. I do not like boobs in the wind. I do not like them on my Schwinn. I do not like those floppy teats. I do not like seeing them blow in the breeze. I will not participate in Boobs on Bikes. And don't even think about Tits on Trikes."
* VANCOUVER — A man was arrested with his 3-year-old son during a nude bike ride. Constable Jana McGuinness said he received several phone calls from people concerned about the child's well-being. Police convinced the man to put some skivvies on himself and the child. But, as soon as the he rejoined his fellow buff biker buddies, he stripped himself and his son of their tighty whities. But before he could break out singing, "Now I'm free! Free Ballin,'" Police arrested the man.
Sources close to the bicycle seat say, "The officers should be awarded for their efforts. Have you seen how well 3-year-olds wipe? Not well. Not well at all."
Sources close to the 12-year-old sarcastic bitch that lives inside of my head say, "Why, seriously? Have you ever gotten road rash on your knee from falling off a bike? Need I say more?"
* JERUSALEM — A 1 pound, 5 ounce baby who was pronounced dead by doctors came back to life after spending a few hours in a hospital refrigerator. Her parents, were taking her to be buried and began noticing some movement.
Sources close to the miracle baby say, "You know, sometimes a baby just needs to chill."
Tags:
babies, news, snl, comedy, boobies
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