Newz is Nutz: Ripped From The News & Spiked With Loose Screws
* A pilot was trying to land his World War II-era plane after the engine stalled just after takeoff near London, when it hit a cow.
Sources close to the pilot say, "The animal refused to moove. It was an udder disaster."
Sources close to the cow say, "It was a mooving experience. But it didn't spoil my mooood."
* A Golden Granny won a million bucks! The 92-year-old great-grandmother from Queens discarded the $1 million scratch-off lottery ticket. But lucky for her the clerk, Chris Connelly, 24 rechecked the ticket and told her she in fact won.
Sources close to the honest engine clerk say, "I should have lied to her. Poor old thing dropped dead of a heart attck as soon as I told her."
Sources close to the old lady say, "I almost died but thanks to Life Alert, as soon as I'd fallen and couldn't get up, I pressed that button. It's a miracle. A million dollar medical miracle!"
* As if Burger King hasn't creeped us out enough with their king
mascot, they now have created a cologne. The Flame, which was almost
named I am King, before Sean John AKA Diddy, created his cologne,
smells of meat and secret sauce. So fellas, when you can't have it your
way, just spritz a little of this on and watch the ladies go crazy for
your Whopper. * Aretha Franklin is going to perform at President-elect Barack Obama's Inauguration January 20th. Sources
close to the singer say, "Her play list is expected to go like this,
Respect will be a dedication for any and all repressed black folk.
Who's Zoomin' Who? is a dedication to former president Bill Clinton.
She will belt out Freeway of Love to former U.S. Senator Larry Craig
and his Hershey Highway loving self. And Chain Of Fools is closing the
show, saying good riddance to the outgoing administration."
* David Copperfield's assistant sustained a severe injury during a performance in Las Vegas. The magic act in which Copperfield attempts to walk through rotating blades of a 12-foot industrial fan, came to a screeching halt when the assistant was sucked into the fan.
Sources close to the assistant say, "Grand illusion my ass, David."
* A French court awarded first lady Carla Bruni-Sarkozy $57,500 in damages. The suit stems from a company that sold purses with a naked picture of Bruni-Sarkozy, emblazoned on them.
Sources close to the store say, "I can't believe she took this to court. We even offered to Bedazzle her beaver."
Sources close to Paris Hilton say, "I wish someone would want a pussy purse of me."
* And finally, Lance Corporal Dan Thompson, who's serving in Iraq, was able to witness the birth of his son via webcam.
Sources close to the sarcastic whore within say, "Big friggin' deal! My old man got to witness the conception of my kid by watching that porno I made in college."
